So Jeremy's mom called last night to relay a message from my BIL. We have caller ID so I knew it was her when I picked up. I don't like to go out of my way to be mean and/or ignore people. It's just not the way I'm built.  We both seemed kinda nervous talking to each other but we got through it. It was decent.

 

Jeremy and his brother talked for a bit after that and we discussed some Xmas gifts for them and their Aunt Sue (she is so hard to buy for!). I decided to call the MIL back and ask about other things for Aunt Sue's Xmas gift. I had told Jeremy that I was feeling worried about the weekend and wanted to break the ice with his mom first. After we were done chatting about the gift(s) and stuff I asked her if we were going to be okay for the weekend.  In the span of 2 minutes I made sure to let her know she was always welcome in our home (I don't really have a way with words, written or spoken, so it came out, 'No matter if we are bitching at each other or not, you are still always welcome in our home"), apologized for causing her so much stress, and said I'd do my best this weekend not to be so harsh with the boys (Jeremy and I are super strict, admittedly). As far as apologies go, I got a 'Me too'.  I'm MORE than happy with it. It felt good to just talk to her a few minutes and clear that air before the weekend. I certainly had no intentions of our conversation going that far but it felt good anyhow. I hope, at a minimum, it enables us to have a good weekend...that they get to enjoy their grandkids and that her and I don't get all tangled up again. My FIL doesn't talk much to anyone (my MIL said that one!!!) so it should be fine there too. 

 

Because I am an over analyzer, I did realize the one 'missing' part to our conversation. She never did extend the invitation to me for their house.  I guess I'm okay with it. Maybe it will come with time, she and I aren't going anywhere, no need to push that!!! I know I can talk a good game and all...to write that I don't need them to like me but deep down I'll always want that. A majority of the reason being because it will make it easier on my boys...a small part of it for being selfish.  My emotions rule me, maybe more than some, but I guess that is part of what makes me mine own unique 'human'.

 

My grandma on my dads side just died recently. When I went to see her I was a bit detached. The ties/bonds were not that strong. I didn't know her well. That bothers me a lot now that she is gone. I want more for my boys than that type of detachment. My MIL deserves more than that. My FIL used to take him and his brother to see his mom (the MIL and her don't get along) - Jeremy isn't as close to his paternal grandma either. I don't want that trend to carry in our family (for pragmatic reasons, or otherwise!).

 

This blog are mine own private thoughts (but I share them to help me cope and chronicle if you will)- I rarely sensor them so sometimes they may come out mean or hurtful. I never have stopped to think, until recently, that my MIL may actually be reading it (we've never talked about it!!!).  This blog is my thoughts uncensored. I honestly doubt if I have many readers as I don't frequent other sites, but for those of you who do read it (my parents maybe??) I hope you enjoy the ride. Being Italian, my emotions run hot. It's part of our charm and our bane! I typically don't have a very good filter anyhow but here it is totally gone....for better or for worse.

 

So...Dee...if you're reading this...I apologize if any of it hurts your feelings, it isn't intentional.. It is my own therapy for the things that stress me in life (including the stress between you and I).  I always wanted to be close to my inlaws, I hope that some day we can get there...that this 'shit' between us calms down and that we get over whatever it is that we do to each other.